Elemental Rings

WIZARDING! The monthly Man's Scroll for Macho Magic Men

This letter to the editor was printed in the Fall Scroll

Dear Wizards of the Coast You may remember me from my previous letter, where I inquired whether elves, of ANY gender or age, possess some form of external genitalia. The elves that I have encountered, in my travels as a freelance police officer of the Greater Western District of the Forgotten Realms (Cimmerian province) seem to be large pre-pubescent girls… But I digress. Recently, I, and the team that supervise, have been asked to deliver a town from Evil. Of course , I agreed right away, after spending no small amount of time convincing the more timid of my underlings that this was the right thing to do. Snivelling wretches! Ultimately, the lure of warm cooked food (they _are _ simpletons) and the threat of a severe ass-whupping convinced the most cowardly of my lackeys (I’ll call him Zock) that public service beat skulking in a drainage ditch and strangling small animals. Our arrival in the town (I’ll call it ‘Dresden’) was a time of celebration for the righteous and impotent rage/fear/gastric distress for the wicked. Those in between were unable to take that friday off, and were forced to work while the forces of light and darkness had a three-day weekend to gird their loins for the coming epic struggle for the soul ( and 40% lrft undamaged, roughly) of the town of Dresden. We immediately were given command of the local forces of law and order, who were composed of 3 separate groups: The barney Fifes, The Deputy Enoses and the Sheriff Loboes. These incompetent rural hayseeds were unable to lead a group of Junior Rangers to a confectioners shop! The Sheriff Loboes proved to be corrupt, Evil and in the pay of a foreign power they referred to ominously as ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named, but Has Strong Math Skills but is Unable to Navigate a Horse-drawn Cart’. The title proved to be too cumbersome, and afterwards just told us his name was Ho Chi Minh. Fter perishing in a series of falls (onto swords, into fireballs) the Sheriff Loboes were stricken from the city’s rolls and their ashes were poured into the city’s drainage systems, where friendly Duergar were working to make a better city. It was here we discovered (well, I discovered, really) that the foregn powers were REALLY foreign, from HELL ITSELF, and some place called Vietnam ( that, frankly, if I owned land in both, I’d rent out Vietnam and live in Hell). They were searchinf for jewlry(WTF!, right?) that would allow them to rent out BOTH shitholes and reside in Dresden! Bad enough, they bwere infernal and/or slanty-eyed fishhead eaters, now their dastardly plans were reavealed. Real estate speculators. The scum of the earth or any other dimensional plane! This scroll is meant to warn you, your readers and the world that everything we hold dear is in jeopardy. Dresden is the beachhead where the forces of Evil are surveying and preparing impact statements. Well, Barkwell J MacSchnauzer is making a statement. It concerns impacts. And lots of them. My team of hand-picked nose-pickers will stem the tide of Evil. We’ll do it for Good, Light and Decency. For women and children (well, easy women and children who’ll goddamn mow the lawn when they’re told to). But mostly we’ll do it for money. So when you cut us a sizable scroll, we’ll exterminate the Evil Doers. As soon as the scroll clears…



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